


Heart Frequency

by keizeria



Series: Frequency verse [1]
Category: EXO (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - High School, Coming of Age, Gen, M/M, Music, Slow Build
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-06-24
Updated: 2016-06-24
Packaged: 2018-07-17 23:23:43
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 12,336
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7290283
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/keizeria/pseuds/keizeria
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>With nothing but a careful greeting; <i>hi, I'm Lu Han. I'm a transfer student.</i> and Yixing's carefully laid-out world void of any disruption exploded in colors.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Originally posted [here](http://sncj-santa.livejournal.com/63422.html) as a part of SNCJ EXO Secret Santa 2013. The prompt was a high school AU based off Dokyusei, a love that was pure and innocence and as slow and vexing as it could be. I tried, but it turned out to be something completly different. OTL  
> Also, thank you so much for the wonderful [nelliephantt](http://nelliephantt.tumblr.com), who kindly helped with the bata. This wouldn't happen with out you!

 

 

 

With nothing but a careful greeting;  _hi, I'm Lu Han. I'm a transfer student,_  and Yixing's carefully laid-out world void of any disruption exploded in colors.

  
  
The second semester rolled around without any sort of fanfare, though it was at this point in the year that social hierarchy had been established. Everyone had already formed their cliques and noted their roles within the class system. Zhang Yixing was the unassuming, awfully quiet one that no one paid any attention to. Yixing hardly paid any mind to it; after all, he wore his invisibility with contentment, not an obligation.

  
  
Lu Han's smile didn't quite reach his eyes; that was the first thing Yixing noticed about him. He stood in front of the classroom, bright eyed and attentive, but his smile was so impersonal it was like he didn't even realize his mouth had formed a shape at all―like an autopilot respond that was well practiced.

  
  
"It's probably strange to have a new classmate this late in a school year but..." Lu Han trailed off, the hand that was clutching on the strip of his backpack tightened minutely, hair shining in the morning light. "I hope we can get along well."

  
  
Yixing didn't believe one bit that Lu Han wanted to be anybody's friend, let alone  _getting along well_  with anyone. Yixing's eyes caught Lu Han's for the briefest seconds when the latter let his eyes roam the whole class, the cool regard of a stranger yet to become familiar. But Lu Han broke the contact when he sat down at his new desk, two rows in front of Yixing's, the profile of his back frigid and unyielding.

  
  
Yixing remained quiet as usual and turned his attention back to the scenery outside the classroom's windows. Spring seemed to have arrived earlier than anyone had anticipated; the trees outside had already gave way to the lush green, and pink magnolia shoots were already peeking through the ground. Yixing had barely had the time to rotate his wardrobe, putting away heavy jackets and thick jumpers and retrieving his lighter clothing from the back of his closet. The school uniform somehow changed to the lighter and shorter sleeves one without his notice.

  
  
Lu Han devoted his attention to the front of the classroom, listening raptly while their homeroom teacher went on about the upcoming sports festival. Yixing contented himself by not paying any attention to the class at all, and stared blankly at the budding trees instead. Their eyes never met again even after the class was over, and Yixing wondered if he had been right about Lu Han not wanting to make any friends at all.

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
As it happened, Lu Han was a charming character and got along well with everyone, which wasn't a surprise to Yixing per se, but it felt like a slight betrayal. Lu Han accepted a note on their English class from Tiannu, played ball with Chanming and the gang in PE, and laughed at the right moment when Lianghui cracked an offensive joke. Yixing watched him nod his head along while Weijian rambled on about last night's episode of the late night drama, and watched him patiently explained the easiest way to solve today's math problem to Xiuying.

  
  
Lu Han divided his attention to everyone equally, but he didn't seem to fit in with any specific group of people. He didn't join any clubs and went home directly, by himself, immediately after classes were over each day. Yixing also noted, as he made his way over to his usual lunch spot behind the gym, only to spot an increasingly familiar head of blond hair enjoying the cool shade, that Lu Han ate his lunch alone, not with their classmates in the classroom. Yixing had since moved to the school rooftop for his lunch instead the first day he stumbled across Lu Han, sitting with his back facing the gym and a piece of bread stuffed in his mouth.

  
  
Lu Han looked surprised for a brief second before schooling his face into something akin to a neutral curiosity. Yixing blinked slowly for a breath or two, but the initial shock wore off soon later, and he was left standing awkward under the glaring sun, not quite reaching the shadow the building provided.

  
  
"I'll just...go," Yixing mumbled before turning around and practically running off, back the way he had come, heat gathering high on his cheeks. It wasn't until afterward that he queried his own swift departure; it wasn't as if he had done anything wrong. Yixing's cheeks burned with embarrassment once again as he remembered Lu Han's murmur of _yeah, okay,_  that had chased after him, the boy's perplexity obvious.

  
  
Yixing tended to avoid Lu Han's questioning gaze after that.

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
Yixing didn't particularly look forward to school, no more than the next guy anyway, but he woke up at the crack of dawn every morning, riding his bicycle under the warm and slightly humid late April sky, just to be the first student to reach the school grounds.

  
  
There was something about the tranquility and stillness that was lost between the cluster of students moving about, and the sounds of chalk clicking continuously on the blackboard that attracted Yixing. He loved to be the only one walking through the quiet corridors and pushing open the rusty windows of the abandoned music building, to be the only one occupying the auditorium.

  
  
The school had plans to renovate the old building soon, which was why they had the janitor put up the  _Do Not Enter_  sign in front of the building in big, bold, red letters, which was easily thwarted as Yixing had discovered something of a  _secret passage_. There was a window with a broken lock in one of the second floor's classrooms that Yixing could easily reach by climbing the tallow tree behind the dumpster. He slid through the tiny window and proceeded quietly down the corridor until he reached the auditorium at the back of the building.

  
  
The old grand piano was Yixing's best friend. She had been here since before Yixing had even been born, and he hoped she would still be with the school long after he graduated. The first touch on the ivory keys always made Yixing giddy, for the lack of better word. The delicate  _Do_  traveled from the back of the piano, bounced on the auditorium's ceiling, and disappeared into the nothingness of the vast stuffy air. Yixing smiled before adjusting himself on the bench. Today he was going to at least finish the bridge to the first chorus, so he could move on to the next verse already.

  
  
The song that Yixing had been trying to compose had begun to take form almost accidentally one freezing evening in winter when it was too cold to even crawl his way out of the kotatsu. His mother had made a hot pot filled with green onion and meat that night and the whole family had gathered close together, using the warmth of the love they had for each other to fend off the cruel winter. Yixing's grandmother had peeled him an orange and such a casual act of kindness echoed the cozy environment; inspiration struck Yixing like lightning.

  
  
Said inspiration hadn't left him yet, but the song hadn't gone anywhere, either, and he was determined to finish his song before they took down this auditorium and moved the piano to the new building where he couldn't come and go as he pleased anymore.

  
  
Yixing was so immersed in the song, eyes closed in concentration, that he didn't realize he had an audience listening raptly to his playing. The person walked slowly to the front row of the benches and sat down quietly to prevent disturbing the music.

  
  
A series of loud claps suddenly rang among the quiet of the hall, effectively breaking him out of his reverie as he snapped his eyes open and swiveled around to find the source of the sound. To his utmost surprise, his eyes settled on Lu Han, who sat at the front row bench with a slightly dazed look on his face.

  
  
"What are you- How did- I mean, why are you here?" Yixing stumbled over the question; his hands flitting from the piano's keys, to his knees, to the back of his neck, and back down to his knees, conveying his discomfort.

  
  
"I followed you?" Lu Han replied, with little shame, as if  _stalking_  someone was a normal occurrence and an acceptable act of an upright citizen. "I came to school early to pick up some study guides and talked with the instructors," he shrugged. "I had no idea you could play like that." The awe that was clear in his voice as well as his facial expression had Yixing squirming in his seat.

  
  
"Where're your music sheets?" Lu Han asked curiously while approaching the stage. Yixing glanced back at the piano lid nervously and when he looked at Lu Han again, the boy had already sat down beside him on the piano bench.

  
  
"I don't use any," Yixing answered reluctantly; as unwilling as he was to make conversation, he didn't want to be rude either. "I can't read music so there's no point. I play by ear. Um, yeah." It usually took a lot more coaxing for Yixing to talk about his music but there was something in the way Lu Han looked at him, so earnest and admiring with unconcealed wonder, that he didn't mind letting his guard down, just a little.

  
  
"Are you some kind of a genius?" Lu Han half-joked with a smile, genuine enough that made him look younger than he usually did. It was a pretty and honest smile, one Yixing didn't see very often, which was a shame. This smile looked good on Lu Han's face.

  
  
"Just, don't tell anybody about this, okay?" Yixing said quietly and Lu Han laughed long and loud.

  
  
"Who would I tell? Shit. This is amazing.  _You_  are amazing." Yixing's ears burn and Lu Han's eyes were impossibly wide with utmost glee.

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
Lu Han just wouldn't leave him alone after that. Yixing unlocked his bicycle after class one day like usual and prepared to cycle home, but when he got on, Lu Han suddenly jumped up behind him on the bicycle out of nowhere. Yixing shrieked and almost dropped them both.

  
  
"Come on!" Lu Han urged, voice very loud and very excited, causing Yixing to wince. "Let's go home!"

  
  
Yixing let out an unintelligent  _what?_  because seriously  _what?_ , but Lu Han didn't seem to care whether Yixing was reluctant to comply to his demand or not, as he tugged on the latter's sleeve. 

  
  
"Your house, come on!" Lu Han reiterated with no less enthusiasm, leaving little room for argument, so Yixing rode the bicycle back home. Lu Han took Yixing's backpack and carried it on his shoulder along with his own, hands tapping softly on Yixing's shoulders to the inconsistent beats he was humming under his breath.

  
  
There was a single beanbag chair in Yixing's room and as old and deflated as it was he kept it for sentimental value, tucked away in a corner. Lu Han spent a long minute upon his first arrival just staring at the tired looking beanbag with a blank expression before transferring said blank expression to Yixing, his eyebrows rising in silent question.

  
  
"What?" Yixing poked indignantly. "I like it, stop looking at me like that," he said defensively. He had bought the chair from a flea market summers ago with his grandmother, which had admittedly looked a lot better all those years ago. They had lugged it up on his bicycle and spent the whole afternoon pushing it up-hill as the glaring sun had beaten down hard on Yixing's burned neck and the smell of freshly bloomed tangerine flower drifted along in the air. Yixing's grandmother passed away last year and every time he saw the tragic piece of furniture he couldn't help but be reminded of her, of her dry fingers on his cheek, and of her quiet murmur with his mother from the back of the kitchen. The beanbag chair had its meaning. It had its value.

  
  
"You are very sentimental," Lu Han said with a fond smile. Yixing detected a hint of teasing in Lu Han's voice so he scoffed and said, "I'm sure you have lots of sentimental keepsakes too."

  
  
Lu Han made a noncommittal humming sound before answering, "We didn't take much when we moved." The sentence itself didn't reveal much, but the way that Lu Han said it, unexpectedly crisp and detached, suggested the subject had been dropped. Lu Han sat down gingerly on the bed, kicking his legs back and forth while looking around the room with mild interest.

  
  
Yixing had no idea why Lu Han was here.

  
  
Lu Han seemed to have a habit of speaking into silences, or so Yixing had decided. There would be long lulls of silence between them before the taller teen would suddenly open his mouth again.

  
  
"I think you should finish that song," Lu Han said finally, fingers picking idly at the blue comforter over Yixing's unmade bed. "The one you played with the piano yesterday." He elaborated when Yixing said nothing in return.

  
  
It wasn't that Yixing did not know which song Lu Han was talking about, being it the only song he played in Lu Han's presence, albeit unknowingly. But it was the fact that anyone  _at all_  had heard him played and even worse remembered it that made Yixing uncomfortable. It was supposed to be a secret―a hobby that he wasn't sharing. Besides, he wasn't even very good at playing and he certainly had no intention of letting anyone else hear his fingers fumble across the piano keys. Having Lu Han paying any interest in it brought up an indescribable anxiety Yixing tried to prevent in the first place.

  
  
"Why are you so interested in this all of the sudden? It's not like you've been interested in anything since you arrived here," Yixing pointed out and then abruptly snapped his mouth shut when he realized that the statement might imply some level of observation he might or might not have over Lu Han.

  
  
"Have you been watching me?" Lu Han asked with squinted eyes, his voice a tad taken back. Yixing felt himself turning red.

  
  
"No, of course not!" Yixing returned hotly, looking everywhere but Lu Han himself.

  
  
Lu Han seemed skeptic but he let it slide. He turned his attention back to the comforter, but his voice rang clear when he spoke.

  
  
"Everyone else is boring," he said. "They all watch the same shows, talk about the same thing, act the same way. It's like they can't even bother to stand out and be themselves. But you," Lu Han paused, scooting closer, face so close his nose almost bumped touched Yixing's, exhaled soft and warm against Yixing's cheeks, before continuing. "You are very strange."

  
  
"I'm not strange." Yixing denied as he tried to hold Lu Han's unyielding gaze. It was hard, especially when the latter was this close he could practically counted his eyelashes. The proximity was unnerving and Yixing wanted his personal space back; Lu Han didn't seem willing to comply.

  
  
"Maybe," Lu Han breathed. "But it doesn't make you any less interesting." His wide doe eyes twinkled with something Yixing couldn't quite decipher.

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
They became inseparable, or at least the way Lu Han attached himself to Yixing's side suggested some level of inseparable, enough to make their classmates noticed. Yixing wasn't used to all of the attention he, as of late, had been receiving, so it was only natural that he withdrew himself to the safe sanctuary of the auditorium whenever he had the chance. Lu Han, being immune to Yixing's little frowns, trailed after him with even footsteps and a small smile in his eyes.

  
  
"I should play guitar," Lu Han said one day while balancing the ball on the flat of his foot. Yixing took out his left earbud, a faint Chinese pop song drifted statically from the headpiece attached to the old MP3 player like white noise in the background. He blinked at Lu Han before asking him to repeat himself. Lu Han shook his head in exasperation before repeating, "I said I should play guitar."

  
  
"What brought this on again?" Yixing asked tiredly because it was only yesterday that Lu Han told him, mouth stuffed with strawberry cake, that he would like to learn the art of juggling.

  
  
"So you and I could play together one day, of course," Lu Han answered flippantly, abandoning the soccer ball and abruptly depositing himself right next to Yixing. The weather was getting warmer. It was the only explanation why Yixing felt the heat creeping up behind his neck, because it definitely had nothing to do with the close proximity between his and Lu Han's thighs, body heat flaring in the space between their shoulders; or how every time Lu Han exhaled, it tickled Yixing's bangs.

  
  
"Yeah, of course. Silly me," Yixing answered weakly. He handed Lu Han the other earbuds when Lu Han made grabby hands at it; JJ Lin's song playing cozily between them like a blanket made out of cotton candy, the acoustic guitar sounding somewhere far, far away and incredibly sweet.

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
They were at Yixing's house―Lu Han claimed it was more convenient than his place―with their suppose-to-be-finished math homework scattered across the floor, long forgotten as the boys curled up against the foot of Yixing's bed. Outside, the rain still hadn't let up after continuously pouring down for hours already. The morning weather forecast had said this might be the last rain of the season.

  
  
Lu Han rested his head on top of his knees while Yixing strummed a few chords absentmindedly on his guitar―the beloved, well used Tanglewood TW28 Yixing bought with his own money when he was fifteen. Even at Lu Han’s constant persistence, Yixing had yet to become comfortable with playing music for his friend and to say Yixing was still self-conscious was an understatement, but Lu Han had his eyes closed, so Yixing tried to pretend he wasn't listening.

  
  
"Play me something," Lu Han asked suddenly, voice soft and hushed. Yixing looked down at his hand holding the old scratch-ridden guitar pick for a brief moment before thinking  _fuck it_  and starting to play the first song that came to mind. It turned out to be  _雨下一整晚_.

  
  
The melodies glided smoothly, almost harmonizing with the music of the rains hitting steadily on the pavement and the roman tile roofs. Neither boy had bothered to close the windows because even though they didn't particularly like the constant mist of the rain the wind brought in, they hated the stuffy damp air more.

  
  
The rain played along with the chorus and this, this was the tranquility and stillness Yixing sought to preserve; when everything was slow and untangled and uncomplicated, when everything was easy to understand.

  
  
Lu Han sang softly, and before Yixing had realized it, he had sung along to the sound of his guitar as well.

  
  
"You have a beautiful voice," Yixing said as the song drew to a close, and Lu Han tried to hide his embarrassed smile because even though Lu Han gave compliment freely, he wasn't particularly good at receiving them gracefully. It was nice to see Lu Han blushed for a change. The tips of Lu Han's ears turned red; Yixing found him surprisingly endearing.

  
  
Lu Han hid his face between his knees and mumbled into the fabric of his pants.

  
  
"What did you just say?" Yixing prodded and Lu Han merely grumbled back. The laughter this evoked from Yixing surprised even himself, though Lu Han really was being ridiculous. "Oh, come on. You embarrass me all the time. Just accept the compliment and move on," he chided with a smile.

  
  
"Lend me your guitar," Lu Han repeated in a louder voice. Yixing put down his guitar and crawled across his floor to Lu Han. He pried Lu Han's hands off of his face and ignored Lu Han's struggles to tug his hands back out of Yixing's grasp.

  
  
"If you take my guitar, what will I use to finish the song?" Yixing murmured, though he had no worries concerning finishing the song in the near future. He looked quizzically at Lu Han who still refused to meet his eyes.

  
  
Lu Han was quiet for another moment and it wasn't till his wide unblinking eyes swiveled around to meet Yixing's did the latter realize the closeness between their faces. Yixing pulled back awkwardly and shuffled back over to his spot by his bed, his Tanglewood laid strings-down on the parquet floor, forgotten.

  
  
"I'll give you a keyboard tomorrow," Lu Han uttered at last. "Just lend me your guitar." And surprisingly, Yixing did. He handed his beloved guitar over to Lu Han as the boy excused himself home after dinner, a tupperwear full of leftover in his backpack.

  
  
"I'll get you a keyboard tomorrow. I promise," Lu Han swore with a quick squeeze of Yixing's hand, before he waved goodbye at the doorway. Yixing smiled, expression tight with worry for his beloved guitar, before closing the door against the late-spring rain.

  
  
Still, the next day, Yixing was surprised to open his front door to see a sweaty, flushed-faced Lu Han with an old Yamaha keyboard attached to his back; he really hadn't expected anything to come from his friend’s promise.

  
  
"Where did you get  _that_?" Yixing gaped as he took the keyboard from the blond. Lu Han collapsed on the sofa as he wearily explained that an exchanged university student in his apartment complex had happily let him take it off her hands.

  
  
"She's going back to Korea so I asked her if I could have it," Lu Han clarified while Yixing's mother set out a plate of sliced pear for the boys, which they both accepted with smiles. "Some wooing and acting cute might be involved, but I'm not at liberty to say," Lu Han teased around a mouthful of pear.

  
  
"You're impossible," Yixing responded in disbelief, eyeing the keyboard leaning on the far wall with wonder. Lu Han merely smirked after finishing the entire plate by himself, his expression smug and proud.

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
Their tentative friendship blossomed just as the locust trees scattered their white flowers along the streets. Yixing learned that while Lu Han was brazen and sometimes a little loud, he was also funny, honest and carefree. He found himself happy to have the companionship; Yixing hadn't smiled this much in a long time.

  
  
They soon started hanging out with each other at school and after school, even meeting up before school to go in together. On weekends they rode Yixing's bicycle to nowhere in particular, Lu Han was always eager to go somewhere, though rarely specified  _where_  he wanted to go.

  
  
One week day morning, in fact, Lu Han expressed a desire to go on another adventure and instead of arguing that they had classes to go to, Yixing found himself unlocking his bicycle from the school parking lot and peddling hard because indulging Lu Han had become second nature to him by now.

  
  
Humoring Lu Han also resulted in Yixing skipping school, for no reason other than that he  _could_ , for the first time in forever.

  
  
Spring was kind but she was going to give way to summer soon, the sweat slowly trickling from Yixing's temple was evidence of the heat. Whilst he didn't dislike summer, the heat wave the change in season brought on was unnecessary in Yixing's opinion. It was always just  _too much_. Lu Han's tight grip on the both of his shoulders wasn't doing anything to help against the steadily increasing heat either.

  
  
Yixing puffed as he rode harder, until they had cycled way past the city and there was nothing but miles and  _miles_  of grassy fields on both side of the bumpy dirt track. Yixing steered off the dirt road when his legs burned and he couldn't paddle anymore, and the momentum rode them right into the endless field; Lu Han's laughter sounding somewhere far off, a sound that Yixing found contagious as he laughed along with him, lively, exciting and  _free_.

  
  
The grass was tall enough to wade through, tall enough that it came up to their waists but Yixing had no qualms against the itchiness as he laid down on the ground, pillowing his head on both of his arms, gazing up at the clear blue sky. From here he could spot the high voltage post not far away from them; the silver metallic reflected the sunlight, shining bright like a beacon. Lu Han lied down next to him a breath later, mimicking his posture with his eyes closed.

  
  
"Wouldn't it be great if we could go anywhere we wanted to?" Lu Han mused loudly from somewhere above Yixing's left ear.

  
  
"Where do you want to go?" Yixing responded, enjoying the slight breeze that cooled his cheeks and ruffled his hair. Out in the more rural area, the heat didn't seem as bad, maybe it was the pollution and the sheer amount of people constantly bustling around that made the heat stifling in the city. Lu Han fidgeted beside him with a restlessness that Yixing identified as a personal trait. The boy was constantly in motion; tapping his foot to a beat that no one else could hear, drumming his fingers on any given surface when he was bored, wide eyes flitting here and there distractedly. Yixing had never seen him be still for longer than a couple of minutes or two.

  
  
Lu Han was doing that thing again, the one where he spoke into silences. Yixing counted one, two, three, four, five quietly in his head, and when he reached ten Lu Han spoke again. "Does it matter?" he countered.

  
  
Yixing looked at Lu Han and found that the other boy had already been watching him. Lu Han eyelashes were long; they cast two pools of shadow underneath both of his eyelids. Yixing found him strangely beautiful.

  
  
Yixing shifted his gaze and looked back to the sky, concealing his emotional confusion with cloud watching. Today was a beautiful day, he mused inwardly, maybe he should skip classes more often. It wasn't like he particularly  _enjoyed_  studying anyway. Lu Han was quiet, but Yixing knew the blond was still watching him with those hooded eyes of his. It was strange, Lu Han being like this: quiet, mellow, subdued. Yixing didn't know what to make of it, but it didn't sit well with him; this Lu Han felt like a stranger.

  
  
"Will you come with me?" Lu Han asked softly, voice muted and small. He turned his body to face Yixing, resting his head in the crook of his arm, face passive. He looked alien to Yixing, fragile and demure, and yet, he was still Lu Han in a sense that he was always pushing, always looking for a reaction. Yixing didn't understand why he could sense that something was wrong; why he felt like there was a mental alarm sounding off inside of his head.

  
  
"I- I guess?" Yixing answered tentatively. Lu Han looked at him imploringly for a long while before letting out an amused huff.

  
  
"Liar." Lu Han finally laughed. He picked up a handful of grass and threw them at Yixing who shrieked and rolled away with a yelp.

  
  
"Like hell you would," Lu Han continued as he threw more grass at Yixing who sat up to avoid getting them in his mouth. Lu Han's laughter rang loud and clear and he looked ridiculous with his mouth hanging wide open. Yixing wasn't thinking about it, not at all, but he leaned in, or perhaps it was Lu Han who leaned up, and their lips touched delicately somewhere along the way―a moment of time lapsing because both of them were too stunned to even breathe. And then Lu Han exhaled softly, mouth slightly parted, and Yixing clumsily tilted his head and slanted their lips together.

  
  
Their first kiss tasted like hesitation, a flustered stomach and excitement. It tasted like marmalade jam Lu Han had on his toast for breakfast and the strong tea Yixing had drank. It tasted like the G-sharp key of the school's old piano that sounded way off and the meowing beckon of the stray cat Lu Han secretly fed behind the school gym. To Yixing, it tasted a lot like love.

  
  
The wind picked up the discarded grass and carried them high into the vast blue sky. Yixing sat still, not opening his eyes until Lu Han tugged gently at his hand and suggested that they should probably head home.

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
They didn't talk about the kiss. Or  _Lu Han_  didn't talk about the kiss. He acted like nothing had happened, which was fine by Yixing because he himself had no idea what to think of it, either. Still, every time Lu Han hummed along to the song they were listening to, the shared earbuds stretched from Yixing's left ear to Lu Han's right, Yixing's chest felt tight with emotion. Yixing didn't talk about the kiss, either, but he thought about it all the time.

  
  
"Why won't you do it seriously?" Lu Han asked one afternoon when they skipped PE class to hang around in the deserted auditorium. They had Allen Su's song playing on loop for a while now, long enough that Yixing faltered when Lu Han broke the silence unexpectedly. Yixing blinked, thinking fleetingly  _what? The kiss?_ ―a memory of the warm sun on his shoulder blades and soft lips pressed against his own flitted through his mind though he was loath to bring it up and waited for Lu Han to elaborate. Lu Han took the MP3 player from Yixing's hand and turned it off; the silence of the auditorium seemed very loud all of the sudden.

  
  
"Your music," Lu Han explained as he took the earbud out of Yixing's ear and scooted closer, legs folded awkwardly beneath his body. "You want to take it seriously, don't you?"

  
  
Oh. Right. Yixing fought to keep the disappointment off his face. His music. Honestly, Yixing didn't know if he wanted to take it seriously or not. He liked playing his guitar and that grand piano well enough, he supposed, but he'd never really considered making, say a career, out of it or anything. Yixing didn't know if he had enough will power or potential to do so, as far as he was concerned it was just a hobby.

  
  
"What do you want to do, Lu Han?" Yixing asked, half afraid he wouldn't get a reply. Lu Han hardly shared anything personal. It was like he built a fortress and only allowed people to peak in on some of the rooms; Yixing wanted to explore the whole facility if Lu Han would just let him.

  
  
Lu Han contemplated for a moment, the pause elongated as if he couldn't choose between options, but when he answered, it was with confidence. "A soccer player," Lu Han said. "And a magician; a soccer player who perform magic shows at half time."

  
  
Yixing laughed with disbelief. "Is that even possible?" he queried.

  
  
"You wouldn't know unless you try." Lu Han shrugged with a conviction of only someone who had been thinking about this for quite some time now. And for once, maybe Yixing wanted to try, too.

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
Yixing had to stay late to make up for skipping so many classes in the past month. Lu Han, the mischievous little runt, feigned some chronicle sickness and got the school nurse to vouch for him just because he was  _new_. So he got off easy while Yixing got lumbered with the extra load of work.

  
  
Suddenly Yixing's phone buzzed. He surreptitiously checked the new message in his inbox, wary of the teacher who was keeping an eye on him.  _I'll be waiting at the traffic light. You won't miss me!_  Lu Han's text was not very informative. There were hundreds of traffic lights in this town alone. Yixing had no idea which traffic light Lu Han was referring to.

  
  
Or maybe he did.

  
  
Yixing lived in the upper part of the town whereas Lu Han lived in the central area. They would go home together, Yixing riding his bicycle with Lu Han in the passenger seat, a fifteen minute-long ride if he peddled constantly. They usually parted ways right around that one traffic light, where Yixing bid goodbye to Lu Han and Lu Han jokingly punched him in the shoulder. That must have been the traffic light Lu Han was talking about.

  
  
Yixing blurted out something about being needed at home and got the hell out of there in a blink of an eye, his backpack slung high over his shoulder before the guilt of  _lying to a teacher_  could set in.

  
  
It took Yixing twelve minutes to get to the traffic light this time, the dusk set leisurely in the background as he rode, the sun sinking behind tall buildings.

  
  
Lu Han was already waiting across the street when he arrived, Yixing's earphones stuffed in his ears, lost to the world. He looked lonely, Yixing thought, and distant.

  
  
Yixing was vaguely in awe of the magnified shadows surrounding them. He wondered, at this distance, from this point of view, were they at least on the same ground? Lu Han always seemed a bit further away, a little unobtainable, floating along like the free spirit that he was. He pondered over whether or not they would ever be on the same page. Perhaps if Lu Han yielded a little bit more, or Yixing gave in a little bit less, almost, almost-

  
  
Lu Han was standing just across the street but he felt very, very far away; with hands in his school pants' pockets and rocking on the balls of his feet. He looked over, and when he saw Yixing, he smiled wide and waved. Lu Han was waiting for Yixing, just a traffic light away, yet the distance between them stretched on like an endless shadow. The wavelength spanned the length of the horizon.

  
  
Like this, they were just fellow classmates hanging out together after school―nothing more, nothing less.

  
  
_Why did it have to be less?_

  
  
As if sensing Yixing's conflict, even from all the way across the road, Lu Han scrunched up his eyebrows in confusion and shouted, "Yixing? What's wrong?"

  
  
Yixing's throat clamped up tight, even his own body was rejecting the words that came to his mind. He looked at the traffic light and he waited, waited for the green light to turn yellow, turn red, turn away, turn to something else.

  
  
"I don't think I can do this anymore, Lu Han," Yixing mouthed the words as he still couldn't get is vocal chords to cooperate. The blond's eyes met his, and Yixing willed his gaze to be firm, to grip Lu Han and clutch Lu Han to himself, to melt and weld Lu Han to his mind, to mold them  _together_.

  
  
Yixing cleared his throat and smiled, tried to smile because what else could he do?

  
  
"I don't think I can do this anymore, Lu Han," He said out loud, his tiny voice drowned out by the roaring of speedy cars passed by right and left. People chattered excitedly around him, waiting for the traffic light to turn green, but Yixing had never felt more alone. Lu Han didn't hear him. He didn't blame Lu Han.

  
  
Lu Han tilted his head in confusion, and was hastily crossing over as the light gave way to a go sign, left hand reaching out, stretching high, and landing on top of Yixing's head.

  
  
"Sometimes I can't understand you at all, Yixing," he teased with a smile. Yixing laughed in response because, really, if he didn't laugh he would probably end up saying something he would regret.

  
  
"Let's go for a burger," Yixing choked out, "is what I said," because he was a coward. Lu Han smiled the softest smile Yixing had ever seen, and the  _stupid_  stomach butterflies it caused had Yixing reeling. It made him feel like something as mundane as going for a burger meant something more than it should have, but at the same time maybe it didn't. He could never be too sure where he stood when it came to Lu Han.

  
  
"Yeah. Okay," Lu Han agreed, taking the bicycle from Yixing and pushing it slowly across the intersection. Yixing followed Lu Han with his eyes for a blink or two before jogging after him, pace slowing down once he reached Lu Han's side. They went to the fast food joint at the mall, chatting away over greasy burgers and fries until late into the night; Lu Han providing the commentary about people passing by as Yixing sat and giggled at his observations.

  
  
It was as if nothing had changed; no difference between this and all the other evenings they'd spent together. Nothing had changed at all.

 

 

 


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> June in school was a harsh month. The teachers had been talking about nothing but exams and the students, one after another, began to feel the pressure looming over their heads.

 

 

 

June in school was a harsh month. The teachers had been talking about nothing but exams and the students, one after another, began to feel the pressure looming over their heads. Lu Han yawned stiffly in his seat and scribbled something intelligible in his notebook. Yixing counted six, and then seven when Lu Han started to yawn again.

  
  
"I've been practicing my guitar," Lu Han replied at lunch break when Yixing asked him what kept him up so late at night. Yixing snorted.

  
  
"You mean  _my_  guitar," he quipped. But Lu Han just waved his hand and mumbled  _semantic_  before stealing a fried sausage from Yixing's lunch box, chewing it with an opened mouth.

  
  
"I can't believe it's almost summer," Yixing mused, looking up at the sky; there were no clouds in sight. Lu Han rested his back on the gym's wall and closed his eyes, winds ruffling softly at his bangs. They were getting long and Yixing found he often had an urge to sweep them off of Lu Han's face.

  
  
"What are you going to do this summer? My uncle has a shop in Shenzhen that I usually help out in. He has a food stall, so I usually gain weight during summer." Yixing chuckled while trying to relay the story of how his uncle always forced him to eat all the different food in the menu. "Maybe this year we can go together. My uncle can always use an extra hand."

  
  
Lu Han laughed along with him but quietened down just as quickly. He looked up to the sky and heaved a sigh before speaking again.

  
  
"Sometimes I felt like we're old enough to decide things for ourselves. You know? Like having a part-time job. Paying our own phone bills. Making life decisions. And then reality comes crashing down again and you can't even sign your own lease because you're just a kid." Lu Han looked down at his hands, expression solemn.

  
  
"I want to grow up. It's meaningless if you can't even take care of yourself." Lu Han seemed to have said all he wanted to say and the silence he left was a little awkward. Yixing wanted to pry, though he had learned from the past couple of attempts that if he did so, Lu Han would just clamp up and get even quieter. The first time Yixing started prodding about something personal, Lu Han had refused to speak to him for a whole day.

  
  
"I've been making some progress on that song." Yixing changed the subject just to break this uncomfortable silence. "I'll let you hear it once it's done." He was happy with the way that his song was progressing, that was true, but it wasn't something that could really boasted about since it was only two verses long.

  
  
Lu Han looked back at him with breathtaking smile, and when he replied with a sincere; "I know you can do it", Yixing found himself smiling just as wide to match Lu Han's joyous grin.

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
The park was busy, but not the kind of busy that would make loitering there overly exhausting. Friday evening was a time when everyone rushed from one place to another, probably hurrying to get home after the long hard week. People walked by without giving him so much as a second glance, but still Yixing fiddled with the strap of his guitar, pulling it further up his shoulder as anxiety set in. Lu Han stood proud across from him, smiling so wide it looked demented on his face, yet Yixing could feel the support radiation off of him. He breathed in deep and tried to remember why it was a good idea to be here in the first place.

  
  
Last week while trying to finish their history homework, Lu Han fleetingly suggested Yixing to try a street performance in the park not far from his apartment. It was mentioned so casually that Yixing thought Lu Han had forgotten about it already, until he was led to the park and presented with his own guitar.

  
  
"Play," Lu Han had demanded upon arrival, thrusting the guitar at Yixing, and  _god he should have known_  because why else would Lu Han have brought the guitar along to school that day.

  
  
"I don't want to." Yixing had shaken his head, eyeing the mass of people walking past them with abject horror. He rarely found the courage to play for Lu Han; there was no way he could play now.

  
  
"Yes, you do. You just don't realize it, yet." Lu Han had insisted, his entire face scrunched up in annoyance and he had looked really hilarious with his front bangs pulled up into a small bun above his forehead. Lu Han managed to win a one on one soccer match against a senior student from a school soccer team after class, so he thought he had the right to complain about how sticky and sweaty his hair had become; Yixing had just scoffed and tied Lu Han's bangs up for him to stop him from complaining.

  
  
Yixing shook his head repeatedly and Lu Han stomped his foot before whining, "Oh, come on! One song. That's all I'm asking. Just play one song then we can go home."

  
  
A few people had begun to linger as apparently a young boy holding a guitar attracted at least a little attention. Yixing's gaze flicked to them before looking back at his friend who was making pleading eyes at him. Tanglewood felt warm and familiar in his palm; Yixing had been playing it so often that by now it felt like a second limb to him. Lu Han looked at him with such determination that Yixing wasn't sure if he could bail out on this.

  
  
A few more people had joined the crowd and Yixing's breath caught in his throat as he squeezed his guitar strap tight.  _Oh my god,_  he thought in horror,  _I'm really going to do it._

  
  
"Play it," Lu Han urged, "for me." He moved to stand next to Yixing and placed a hand on the nape of Yixing's neck, kneading gently. "Please." His voice was soft and coaxing, impossibly tender.

  
  
"Okay." Yixing found himself saying; a tiny amount of confidence gained from a soothing touch and quiet eyes and just  _Lu Han_  who he couldn't say no to.

  
  
The first chord was a hesitant downstroke strum of a C Major.  _紅豆_  came to Yixing naturally, like the way the guitar chords and the piano notes came to him. Yixing's voice wavered slightly, but his hands were steady; the guitar sounded strong and assured.

  
  
They attracted a much bigger crowd when Lu Han started to sing along, waving his hands back and forth and encouraging their audience to do the same. Yixing didn't dare look at anyone, so he locked eyes with Lu Han and just sang for him, sang his heart out because Lu Han had asked him to.

  
  
_紅豆_ , Yixing mused, was kind of fitting, since he'd been waiting and waiting; waiting for something which he didn't even know if he could receive. If he cried, Yixing thought while strumming the last chord, the crowd cheered very loud but Yixing only heard his own beating heart, that maybe he would get enough red beans to make a forest big enough for Lu Han one day.

  
  
"You're amazing," Lu Han exclaimed as he pulled Yixing into a hug, all the while, thanking all the people who had stopped and listened. Yixing buried his face in the crook of Lu Han's neck, the headstock of his guitar digging harshly into his collarbone, as he hid his watery eyes against Lu Han’s skin.

  
  
They ran all the way to Lu Han's apartment; Yixing was pumped up with adrenalin and Lu Han with the knowledge that he was right, that Yixing was made to play. As they slowed to a stop outside Lu Han's unit, panting and heaving huge breath, Yixing noticed that the light in Lu Han's unit was off; his father was probably still at work. Lu Han played with the tail of Yixing's shirt, a subtle refusal to key open the door. Yixing was in no position to tell him to, either. He was in no position to demand the way in.

  
  
"Why won't you let me in?" Yixing asked but didn't know whether he meant Lu Han's house or Lu Han's heart. He guessed Lu Han didn't care either way as he just tugged Yixing up by the collar of his shirt, his lips found Yixing's in a languid manner.

  
  
"You're so fucking amazing," Lu Han whispered into his mouth and Yixing sighed softly. They could talk about this later, Yixing guessed. Now he would just focus on the success of the performance earlier, on the way Lu Han's warm lips moved over his, demanding and then yielding sweetly at the last second.  
  
  
Their second kiss tasted more like determination, frustration, and uneven puffs of breathing. It tasted like the beginning of summer and the cicada singing in the humid of the night. It tasted like a sweat damp clasp of Yixing's palm on Lu Han's face and a quiet chuckle resonating deep from Lu Han's throat. To Yixing, it tasted like a dream freshly realized and finally brave enough to take shape; the after taste of the muted dissatisfaction lingered between them, invisible.

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
"You're my best friend," Lu Han said days later. "You're my bestest friend in this whole wide world." Lu Han suddenly stopped walking and Yixing had never seen his face looking this serious before.

  
  
Yixing blinked slowly and said, "Okay." And Lu Han just nodded and continued on like he hadn't just sprung the weirdest most flattering statement at Yixing a moment ago. With a shrug, Yixing chalked it up as one of  _the weird things about Lu Han_  and thought no more of it.

  
  
But the next day, Lu Han suddenly stopped coming to school.

  
  
Yixing would have found it normal since people were prone to get sick, or in Lu Han's case got bored and skipped school without telling him, but the day after, Lu Han was still absent. And the next day, and also the day after. Yixing was in a panic.

  
  
"I though you two were best friends," Weijian said on the third day. No one knew why Lu Han stopped attending classes so naturally they turned to his  _best friend_  who would have argued that even though they were  _best friends_ , he didn't know every single aspect of Lu Han's life. But even an exasperated Yixing wouldn't deliberately pick an argument, especially about a sore spot, so he just mumbled  _we are,_  and kept on texting Lu Han's cellphone.  
  
  
Lu Han disappeared for a whole week without responding to any of Yixing's messages or picking up his phone, and when he finally showed up he was distracted and withdrawn. He shrugged off Yixing's fussing with a meager  _It's nothing. I was just sick and now I'm fine_. But Lu Han wasn't fine. Yixing watched as Lu Han spent the whole day spacing out and seemingly thinking about something all to himself.

  
  
Yixing didn't know what to do.

  
  
"Lu Han, if there's anything wrong, you'd tell me, right?" Yixing fretted, concern lacing in his voice sounding ugly to his own ears. Lu Han blinked slowly, face somber and dull. He reached for Yixing's hand and Yixing let him because Yixing let Lu Han do anything. The blond breathed long and steady; his hand was cold and dry in Yixing's grasp. Lu Han laced their fingers together, thumb rubbing absentmindedly on the back of Yixing's hand.

  
  
"Do you remember when I thought you keeping your old beanbag chair was sentimental?" Lu Han smiled a little, the corner of his mouth lifted up slightly, before letting out an amused huff of a quiet laughter. "I think I'm starting to learn how to be sentimental, too."

  
  
Lu Han leaned over and laid his head on Yixing's shoulder, who shivered at the hot breath against his skin.

  
  
"You'll finish that song, right? You've come too far to just abandon it now," Lu Han murmured as the tip of his nose brushed along Yixing's neck, his lashes leaving butterfly kisses on Yixing's nape.

  
  
Yixing let out a soft whine before bending down to touch his forehead to Lu Han's. They breathed in and out together, letting time expand and stretch on as far as it could go; Yixing's hand clasping tightly in Lu Han's firm grip didn't let up until they parted way at the intersection to go on their separate paths home.   
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
The nights were starting to get hotter now; Yixing's tank top clung to his sweat covered body like a second skin minutes after he got out of the shower. The fan did nothing to help, just blowing warm, humid air around his room. The sticky heat wave of summer that Yixing hated had arrived.

  
  
Yixing tried finishing the song. He sat in front of the keyboard and played random chords and a multitude of notes for hours, but nothing worked. Each time he tried, the music felt disconnected and just  _wrong_. He couldn't find the right succession to his previous arrangement because he didn't know what the song was supposed to be about anymore. Since he had met Lu Han it had kind of morphed into a love song, but surely love wasn't supposed to be this hard. He had always thought that love came easy, just like music. Now music didn't come to him as easily anymore. Yixing had no idea how to finish this piece; maybe he never did.

  
  
_Play what you feel,_  Lu Han had said one evening when they were loitering around in front of the cinema, too broke to actually buy a ticket to see a movie. Yixing had complained to him because he hadn't been making any progress, and Lu Han just shrugged and said that, like it was the most obvious thing in the world.

  
  
Yixing closed his eyes and conjured up everything of his life from the past months, every little detail that had lingered and stayed and became memorable; all of them had one thing in common―Lu Han.

  
  
The phantom feeling of Lu Han's firm grip on his palm weighed on his mind, he could still almost see the indentation of his pale fingers interlacing together over his knuckles. He could feel in his heart that something was definitely wrong; something that Lu Han didn't want to tell him.

  
  
Yixing took a deep breath and opened his eyes; the white keys of the keyboard under his fingers gleamed under his fluorescent bedroom light. The inspiration he needed to play flooded through him like a new life force. He hummed along at first until the humming became words, and words became a steady stream of lyrics. Yixing played until he couldn't play anymore, until he reached the last part and the melody faded out upon completion.

  
  
The clock struck four in the morning; Yixing collapsed back on his bed, already asleep before his head hit the pillow.

  
  
When Yixing went to school the next day, lyric sheet of the completed piece stuffed haphazardly in his back pocket, Lu Han wasn't there. Lu Han wasn't there because, after the relentless probing and prodding his homeroom teacher, Yixing found that Lu Has wasn't going to come back. Lu Han had stopped coming to school completely.

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
_Meet me at the traffic light,_  Yixing texted Lu Han in the middle of Home Economy before excusing himself to the bathroom. He unlocked his bike and rode hard without looking back, even when the school's security guard yelled after him from his booth at the front gate. He waited for Lu Han under the traffic light until the school let up and the sun set. Lu Han still hadn't shown up. Yixing refused to give up though.

  
  
_I'll wait here until you come_ , his next text said. It was dark already. The air around him was hot and uncomfortable but Yixing hardly gave it thought, not even the sweat trickling down his back was enough to make him leave and go home. All he could think about was Lu Han's touches, Lu Han's sighs, Lu Han's stupid laughing face, Lu Han's troubling eyes, Lu Han,  _Lu Han_.

  
  
Lu Han still hadn't arrived by the time Yixing got the call from his mother. Yixing debated for a moment before pressing decline; he would deal with his parents later. Right now, he decided, it was time to be stubborn for a change. He would wait there as long as it took, even if he had to wait there all night.

  
  
At five minutes past midnight Yixing started to lose hope. He sat down on the dirty ground, his abandoned bicycle lain sideways next to him. His feet felt heavy; the weight in his heart felt even heavier.

  
  
"You're an idiot." Yixing leaped to his feet, turning around to face the sound of familiar voice.

  
  
Lu Han stood in his shorts and an old faded batman t-shirt, a convenience store plastic bag in one of his hands, with a frown marring his face as if he exasperated that Yixing was still waiting.

  
  
"Lu Han-" Yixing started, but Lu Han interrupted him with a raised hand, before indicating to the bag in his hand.

  
  
"Dad wants his beer, I can't stay long," he said, voice low. Yixing swallowed his own words. Now that he was finally face to face with Lu Han, he didn't even know if he was still allowed to reach out for him. He didn't know where they stood with each other anymore.

  
  
"Do you always go for a snack runs in the middle of the night like this?" Yixing asked randomly when it became clear that Lu Han wasn't going to say anything else. Lu Han shrugged, his hand shooting up to rub awkwardly at the back of his nape, as if he was embarrassed. And then Yixing realized; Lu Han could have bought his father's beer anywhere he wanted. There was a Family Mart right next to Lu Han's apartment. He hadn't needed to come to the store around here.

  
  
"Oh," Yixing said dumbly and Lu Han, still standing a pace away somewhere on Yixing's right, shuffled his feet restlessly, bottom lip caught between his teeth. Yixing approached him slowly, half afraid Lu Han would bolt away in a flash if he wasn't cautious enough.

  
  
When he reached Lu Han, a span of less than a foot between them, Yixing pulled out the lyric sheet from his pocket and handed it to Lu Han.

  
  
"What is it?" Lu Han asked, half a step pulling back because as if, for once, Yixing was the one who got too close, was the one who didn't back away, was the one invading his space.

  
  
Yixing reached for Lu Han's hand, afraid that the other would run away if he didn't hold on to him or something. Lu Han looked at his captured hand with wide eyes, before looking back at Yixing, appearing more uncomfortable than before. Yixing's heart sank.

  
  
"It's the song you wanted me to finish. I did it, Lu Han. Last night. See?" He thrust the folded paper into Lu Han's hand but Lu Han, to Yixing's horror, slapped Yixing's hand away and wrenched his hand away from Yixing's grip.

  
  
"I don't want to see it," Lu Han said, voice tremble. "Take it back." He reached a hand up, the one still tingling from Yixing's grasp, to press against Yixing's chest and then pushed when Yixing just stood there. Yixing gasped as the forced of Lu Han’s push rocked him backwards. How had it come to this?  
  
  
"Why? You said to show you once I'd finished it!" Yixing tugged on Lu Han's hands, he tugged the boy towards and they both stumbled. The lyric sheet fell down to the ground between them, beer cans escaped from the plastic bag, rolling away in different directions.

  
  
"Let me go!" Lu Han shouted, and when he realized that pulling wasn't going to get his hands free, he pushed Yixing away, a hard shove this time. Yixing stumbled back further; Lu Han's hands fell from his grip in the process. He looked startled for a moment, surprised at his own strength: he hadn't meant to hurt Yixing, he just wanted to get free.

  
  
"Lu Han, what happened? Lu Han, please. Talk to me," Yixing begged as Lu Han averted his eyes. Yixing's chest ached but not by the force of Lu Han's shove; it was more because after all this time, Lu Han still refused to let him in.  
  
  
Lu Han clenched his hands tightly before answering with quivering voice. "It doesn't matter anymore," he bit out. Lu Han squared his shoulder and looked Yixing in the eye. "I'm leaving, Yixing. I'm leaving in three days and I'm never coming back."

  
  
Lu Han's eyes shone with unshed tear, the set of his mouth flat and unyielding. Yixing searched his face for  _any_  indication that this could be a joke, but the unconcealed sadness on Lu Han’s face spoke a thousand words. Lu Han wasn't kidding; he was telling the truth.

  
  
Yixing stuttered in his chest.

  
  
"But why? Where are you going? You just got here and I thought-"  _I thought we could always be together_  was at the tip of Yixing's tongue but when had either of them made any promises? When had Yixing ever been able to trust the nature of their relationship?

  
  
"My dad got a job offering, we have to move again," Lu Han explained. "I never let you into our apartment because it’s still littered with boxes that we haven’t even had the chance to unpack yet." Lu Han let out a despairing sigh. "We never finish unpacking anywhere," he concluded bitterly. Yixing's eyes burned.  
  
  
"This doesn't matter anymore," Lu Han pointed to the sheet paper and sobbed. "What difference does it make when I can't even do anything about it? It doesn't matter now. It can't be help so it doesn't mean anything anymore. It doesn't mean anything to anyone."

  
  
Lu Han sniffled, fists rubbing furiously at his eyes, as Yixing stood, hopeless. He felt numb. He opened his mouth to say something, but what was there that could be said to make this situation any less heartbreaking?

  
  
"Just leave," Lu Han mumbled, face wet but stony. "Just go. There's nothing here anymore, so leave. So you don't have to be the one left behind."

  
  
Yixing took a step back, and then another, before he fled. He grabbed his bicycle and rode it blindly away from Lu Han, vision blurred by unshed tears. Yixing left Lu Han standing there alone under the traffic light, surrounded by the night and the cans of beer that had rolled to the curb.

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
Yixing didn't go to school the next day; he hadn't slept a wink that night. He told his mother he had gotten sick and locked himself up in his bedroom without even bothering to shower all day. At some point his mother banged on the door, scolding him for staying out late enough to get sick, and left his lunch outside his door. Yixing lied in bed, eyes staring at the ceiling without seeing anything, mind in disarray.

  
  
He couldn't get the picture of Lu Han, desolated and small, looking down at his own feet under the orange spot of the street light, out of his head. He probably never would. Yixing made an irritated noise when he could still make out the shape of the keyboard in the corner of his eye. He got up and grabbed another one of his hoodies lying about the room and throwing it over so it would cover the instrument. Yixing wasn't angry at Lu Han, he was annoyed at how much it _hurt_.

  
  
Lu Han was leaving in three days and Yixing was still struggling to come to terms with that.

  
  
"Granny, what should I do?" Yixing whispered into the darkness of his bedroom. The beanbag chair sat motionless, unable to provide him with much needed advice. He buried his face in his pillow, whining low and dismally, momentarily considering trying to suffocate himself because his brain wouldn't just shut down.

  
  
The day dragged on now that Yixing no longer dared to venture into the auditorium. He couldn't bring himself to open that door; memories of Lu Han still too fresh and painful. Yixing rested his chin on his folded arms, listening half-heartedly to what the teacher was saying; until a name popped up and Yixing was forced to pay attention.

  
  
"For those of you who have been asking me about Lu Han's absence, he is unfortunately transferring to another school. His family is moving back to the city due to his father's job relocation. So he won't be coming to our school anymore," his teacher said and the whole class erupted in commotion and loud noises. Yixing looked ahead and held still while his classmates directed their eyes on him.

  
  
"Laoshi! Can we throw him a farewell party?" Guiying asked from the front of the classroom, but the teacher shook his head and said Lu Han would leave at 11 tomorrow so they didn't have time for it.

  
  
"Maybe we can write him a message and collect them into a scrap book?" Huizhong suggested and everyone murmured in agreement. The teacher looked thoughtful for a moment before giving in and said he would drop it by Lu Han's house that evening. Everyone suddenly busied themselves with making the scrapbook; some asking for papers, some sharing their colored markers. Yixing stared blankly at his hands, stock-still with uncertainty; could everything that he still felt be reduced to something as insignificant as a few scraps of paper?

  
  
"Do you need paper, or a pen?" Huizhong suddenly whispered beside Yixing. He turned to his right and looked at the offered piece of paper for a long while before Huizhong spluttered and said, "Oh, you probably already told him in person. Sorry then," and hurriedly walked back to her seat.

  
  
Yixing bowed his head in misery.

  
  
At dinner that night, Yixing's father suddenly asked, "I heard from the bar owner that Lu Han's father got a new job, right?" Yixing gripped his chopsticks tighter, but he nodded and continued on eating.

  
  
"They're moving away again?" Yixing's mother exclaimed loudly. "That kid still hasn't settled down properly, and his father is forcing him to move again? Oh, that poor child," she empathized.

  
  
"From the way things are, I think it's for the best that the father can finally find himself a real solid job. It's going to be good for the kid, too. At least they didn't have to live off a loan anymore." Yixing's father let out a sigh and Yixing spluttered.

  
  
"Wait, dad. What did you mean by loan? What loan?" He was caught completely off guard; Lu Han hadn't let him see much more than a glimpse past his guarded persona, let alone any deep secrets. Yixing had no idea Lu Han’s family was struggling financially and that he had this weight over his shoulders. Lu Han was always smiling; it was almost marvelous that he had been able to hide his melancholy behind his laughing face.

  
  
"The father hopped from job to job, doing little things here and there. He got fired from the autoshop just two weeks before. No wonder they were in such a rush to leave," Yixing's father said and his mother responded with a noise full of pity.

  
  
Lu Han wasn't the kind of person who needed pity, maybe that was why he didn't let anyone know about this, why he specifically didn't let Yixing know about any of this.

  
  
Yixing stared at the plate in front of him. His mother had peeled him all kinds of fruits; all the juicy ones that were in season in summer. He ate everything except one; Yixing let the pear sit on his plate, dry and untouched because it was Lu Han's favorite.

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
The next morning, Yixing rode his bicycle to school, but instead of attending class, he braved the auditorium instead. Yixing walked the familiar path, dropped his bag on the stage, and sat down on the first row bench where Lu Han usually sat observing him. Yixing took out his MP3 player from his pocket, putting on the earbuds and pressing play without looking at the song. The minute the song started to play, Yixing grimaced before looking down at the screen. Dong Bang Shin Ki's Hug was playing cheerfully and Yixing cursed. This was Lu Han's playlist.

  
  
"Lu Han, you fucking idiot," Yixing moaned quietly. That punk had tampered with his MP3 player again. He pressed skip button continuously until suddenly the sweet melody of  _紅豆_  started up. He paused, overwhelmed, and the song kept playing wistfully until the last part faded into silence.

  
  
Suddenly Yixing got up and ran out of the building, blinking back tears. He paddled his bicycle hard and only stopped long enough to breathe when he reached the train station. The big clock on the far wall struck 10:55. Throwing his bicycle on the ground, he sprinted over to the platform. He prayed silently that the singular train waiting on the platform was the one Lu Han was sat on.

  
  
Many people had already boarded the train and Yixing desperately searched for Lu Han through every window until he finally spotted him, sitting on his seat, headphones covering his ears, looking lost in thought. Yixing let out a huge breath in relief. He banged hard on Lu Han's window, and the latter was startled before looking out, eyes wide with disbelief.

  
  
_Yixing,_  Lu Han's mouth formed the word, his voice muffled by the glass between them. He stood up, wrenching the headphones off his ears and throwing his bag on the seat beside him. They both watched the train doors slide shut. But Yixing was going to try his best to say his proper goodbye.

  
  
"I'm sorry," Yixing shouted. "I'm sorry for leaving you that night, and I'm sorry for not being persistent enough, and-"

  
  
However, before Yixing could finish his speech, the mechanic pulled the whistle cord, and slowly but surely, the train started to leave the platform. Lu Han looked at him in alarm; Yixing, with his hand pressed against the glass, jogged to try and keep up with the moving train.

  
  
Lu Han ran through the carriages; looking absolutely vexed as Yixing ran after him until he reached the end of the platform. The boys locked eyes for the briefest second, just like the first time their eyes met on the first day in class, before Lu Han disappeared from his sight. Yixing let out a high-pitch whimper when suddenly Lu Han burst through the back door of the train, shouting something that got swallowed up by the loud shuffling noise, and getting smaller and smaller until Yixing couldn't make out his shape anymore.

  
  
Yixing stood alone on the empty platform; the one who got left behind.

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
The sun was about to set, sitting low in the sky, but Yixing stayed at the train station unmoving until his mother called him and asked him to come home for dinner. Lu Han's despairing eyes were still so fresh in his memory that when Yixing closed his eyes he could see Lu Han clearly. Yixing heaved his bicycle up with a sigh and started for home.

  
  
He ended up arriving at Lu Han's apartment without realizing it. His feet and hands just carried him to the place without consulting with him first; why was he there if Lu Han didn't live there anymore? Still, the place was unlocked, so Yixing went in and turned on the light.

  
  
The whole place, a small single bedroom unit with a tiny kitchenette and no bathroom that looked almost decrepit from the inside, was empty, save for a single cardboard box in one corner. Yixing hesitated for a moment, but decided to take a look inside.

  
  
Inside, Yixing found the stuff he thought he had lost―his old earbuds that Lu Han had stolen from him, a history note on world's economy, Yixing's mixtape, his Naruto manga volume 21 and a whole bunch of their conversations written on slips of paper that had been passed back and forth between them during class. At the very bottom of the box he found a lyric sheet.  
  
  
Yixing thought it was gone, lost to the wind after their confrontation underneath those symbolic traffic lights, but apparently Lu Han had kept it. Yixing unfolded it carefully, and inside, Lu Han's hand writing said  _I like it_ , his Chinese characters neat and unwavering.

  
  
"You idiot," Yixing choked out. "You left all these but took my guitar?" He let out a dry laugh and wondered, perhaps, this was what Lu Han meant by saying he was starting to get sentimental. Yixing hadn't counted on him taking his most cherished possession with him as a souvenir though.

  
  
When Yixing returned home, his mother was still in the kitchen and his father was still caught up at work. The rice cooker was still on, and the children next door were still complaining loudly about their homework. Nothing in the real world had changed at all, not even one bit. But in Yixing's world, he felt that nothing would be the same anymore.

  
  
His mother looked at him knowingly before patting him softly on his shoulder.

  
  
"Lu Han's gone, mom," Yixing told his mother, voice quivering. "He took my guitar with him." The tears he had managed to suppress suddenly came tumbling down his cheeks. He looked at his hand that came away wet in confusion for a while, until it registered to him that he was crying. Finally, Yixing let the tears fall freely.

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
Seasons soon passed and eventually Lu Han changed his phone number. Yixing tried to call him but it went to voice mail, and before long, someone else bought the number and Yixing had to call it quits and delete it from his phone.  
  
  
Maybe this was for the best, Yixing thought while setting up a recorder on his computer, video editing software opened in the background. Maybe this way, it would be easier for them both to heal and move on.

  
  
The red light blinked, and Yixing strummed his first note on his new guitar, voice belting out loud and clear to the music he had composed for someone who had never had a chance to listen to the song. He wasn't sure what he was going to do with this video clip. Maybe he would put it up on Youku later like Tiannu had suggested. But right now, he was going to sing for himself, for himself and for a love that he had lost.

  
  
Time seemed to fly when he became a senior in high school, and before he knew it, Yixing had graduated and was off to college. He packed all his belongings into boxes and staked them neatly along the wall, ready to be shipped later on. His father was going to drive him to the airport that afternoon. Yixing only took one precious suitcase with him.

  
  
His mother cried when waving goodbye at the doorway. Yixing had been accepted to music major earlier this fall and was going away to college in Beijing. Apparently, yes, he did take music seriously after all and finally decided to give it a try.

  
  
They drove out of the city, and when there was nothing but tall grass alongside the dirt road, Yixing asked his father if they could stop a car for a moment. The high voltage post still looked the same. Even after all the time that had passed, the scenery still remained the same it had done on the day that he had shared his first kiss with the person who taught him what love was.  
  
  
Yixing looked up at the orange sky; a nostalgic smile broke across his face. He pulled out his iPod and put on the earbuds, finger searching through the list of songs until he found what he was looking for and pressed play to hear his self-composed song. Yixing listened to it while watching the sun slowly set behind the small hill, tall grass ruffled by the wind, tickling at his back, gentle and indulgent.

  
  
Yixing hoped that somewhere, Lu Han would hear this song, too.

  
  
He listened until the song faded away, the sun had already disappeared into the night, and when his father asked if Yixing was ready, Yixing answered with a smile. "Yes, dad. I think I'm ready now," before getting back into the car and let it carry him off to the place where he would take his first step into adulthood.  


 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I would like to take time explaining the story behind the 紅豆 part in my story. 紅豆 is translated as red beans, and are the symbol of love and fidelity in China. There're two sites that explain the origin of the red bean's myth pretty well [here](http://legendsguide.com/478/the-red-beans-the-legend-of-the-love-beans/) and [here](http://www.knowingfood.com/red/lovebean.html), so if you have time, please read them in order to better understand why 紅豆 meant so much to both Lu Han and Yixing in the story. I was going to try to explain it in the story but there wasn't anywhere that I could add and made it not weird. So, I'm sorry for the inconvenience.  
> Also, the song itself is really great; the lyric really does go well with the story. It was originally [Fei Wong](http://youtu.be/LoQb7N0VLiY)'s, but I used [Khalil Fong](http://youtu.be/FCXoNw00UJ8)'s cover version as an inspiration.

**Author's Note:**

> 雨下一整晚 or 'It Rains All Night' is Jay Chou's song. If you're curious to what this song is like, [this](http://youtu.be/KvA0uoAphJc) might help. (Please wait till around 0:20 for the song to start.)


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